Tonight, I wanted to kill myself again. Or run away. Or something.
We came back from the hospital and Emily didn't want to go home so she came back to my place. I was crying. I was crying the whole time in the hospital and I was crying almost the whole time I was home. My heart was racing and my body kept changing from hot to cold and back to hot again. I was tired of everything.
I know now. How it feels to be on the other end. Where you want to say things but you can't because it would make it worse. Where you wonder everyday if this will be your last with her.
I hate this uncertainty.
My mouth tastes like chemicals and water. My stomach feels queasy from lack of food. When was the last time I ate a real meal? Yesterday? The day before? When did I start looking at food with disgust. I don't eat because I feel sick and I feel sick because I don't eat.
Nice distraction, Seanna. Nice job. You're forced into reality, full throttle and no parachute so you clamp your hand on some white crystals to snort up your nose.
Apathy. Sweet apathy. I get the chance to not care. To lose myself among others. To just...be.
Then I get to Lisa's. With Crissy and company. The only reason why I went with Crissy is because she'd have no problem meeting Kaylin so I could get my stuff. Sean would. So I told Emily I'd see her at the party. Except when I get there, everyone's left and Emily's passed out. I looked at her and asked how she was tonight. How much did she drink? What did she drink?
When I was leaving, I looked at the door and back at Lisa and Jesse. I wanted to tell them everything. I wanted them to know how badly Emily's doing. How I can't stand being in this world sometimes because of how fucked up it really is. Even the rain can't make me feel better. I wanted to tell them that sometimes I pray for an addiction. Something to control my life rather than drifting around aimlessly. I thought of earlier when I was sitting on my concrete floor, smoking. Looking everywhere around my room besides her. Because I know what we're doing. Side by side.
I just wish things could be different. I wish that she didn't kill herself alongside me. I wish I didn't kill myself with her. I wish it'd pour for an entire day and the raindrops would catch in her eyelashes. I want the world to clean up its act and get into rehab.
It's ten to five in the morning and I keep thinking about how I didn't even kiss her on the forehead and tuck her in. I feel nauseous and I wonder if it's from the meth or from self disgust.
After hours of nothingness and forgotten personas, I hear her voice telling me she loves me and I start crying.
4:54 a.m. - 2005-06-19
Recent entries:
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we're going to make like a tree - 2005-09-12
nice guys finish last - 2005-09-02
this is a test: are you going to pass it or fail it? - 2005-08-31
no matthews allowed - 2005-08-22
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