I did speed last night for the first time. Got it from Justin's dealer. I had to walk forty five minutes in the fucking rain and cold just to get a twenty bag.
I did a line with Justin before I started walking. I felt calm. Everything was clear, crisp. Thick lines separating one thing from the next. Nothing was muddled or confused. I could think perfectly.
Justin had some weird guy over with him who was drunk off Bacardi. I started asking him questions. All sorts, really. His age, what he does other than drinking, why did he move here, why the fuck doesn't he speak clearly so I can hear him properly. I felt unrelentless, unwavering. I was clearcut and honest, demanding the truth with a poisonous smile. When I was about to leave, he asked for a hug.
I said, "Try to cop a feel and I'll rip your fucking head off," sweetly, of course. Smiling the whole time. But he knew I was serious. The whole time I was on it, I was serious. Happiness? I was more like a robot. Instead of letting my emotions cloud how I acted, I was able to separate one from the other and follow through with logic.
Went to Jimmy's after I got back. Went to the bathroom and did another line. This one was bigger, thicker. A big, meaty cheeseburger kind of rail. I rolled up a ten and snorted it up. Tried to fix my hair a little because the rain had made it curl. Instead, I was distracted by how cool it felt to run my fingers through my hair.
A little later, Emily went to the bathroom with me. I crushed the last of our saneness up with my bank card and moved it into a perfect little line. Rolled my ten up again and showed Emily what to do. It made her eyes water but she handled it.
We slept for two hours this morning. I feel like shit. My stomach is queasy and I don't know if I'm actually going to vomit eventually. Plus, my heart is still racing and my body is overheating but my feet and hands are freezing.
Richard informed me that what we took was not actually speed. It was meth and shitty meth at that. Thank goodness it was shitty though otherwise I'd probably be in the hospital for taking too much. I don't like meth much anyways. It helps me focus though. But I neither want to be addicted nor forced to deal with an upset stomach all the time.
Verdict: Interesting but not interesting enough.
12:58 p.m. - 2005-06-18
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